Keeping the Spark Alive During the Babymaking Years, Part 2

Part 2

If you haven’t yet, read part one here!

Sometimes conventional advice just doesn’t….. well…..work.

This was the feeling I had after reading articles or book chapters on keeping the spark alive in your marriage, especially during the “childbearing years”.

“Hiring a babysitter” means spending money we don’t have.

“Scheduling a regular date night” is like organizing blades of grass on a windy day. They’re difficult to pin down and don’t stay where they’re supposed to.

Spending “alone time” together after the kids go to bed amounts to doing the dishes or other chores and then hurrying to bed when you suddenly realize it’s almost midnight.

I LOVE having my children, don’t get me wrong! But sadly the romance in our marriage and meaningful time spent together greatly decreased as we added one, two and then three kids to our family. Satan began stealing the joy and intimacy {emotional and otherwise} from our marriage.

And I let him. I based my love for my husband on what he was doing for me.

We allowed the busyness of the day to day tasks, church activities, upkeep of the house and the kids’ schedules to get in the way of the most important thing in life outside of our relationships with God.

So how did it change? By the grace of God, both my husband and I are more easily recognizing now when this is happening but is is taking much work and much time!

In Scripture, God calls us to “love one another earnestly from a pure heart” (1 Peter 1:22). To be earnest means to be:

• serious in intention or purpose
• zealous
• showing depth and sincerity of feeling

It eventually dawned on me that I absolutely loved my husband more than when we were first married but the way I demonstrated that love was no longer as earnest as before!

There came a point when it was necessary for me to come to God and ask Him to help me to zealously express my deep feelings for my husband and put him back in his rightful place as the most important person in my life, just as I had in the “honeymoon” stage of our marriage.

We haven’t “arrived” at some magical place where we’re always gazing at each other starry-eyed and speaking in soft tones :) But we are seeing more now how it takes an actual effort, more than it did in our early years of marriage, to spend the time together that each of us deserves.

How to Purposefully Reconnect with Your Husband when your Kids are Little

1) Talk to each other.

I’m a dreamer and love to muse out loud and my husband would rather just think about things than say them. We’re learning to balance when it’s time for me to be silent and when it’s time for him to open up more. Sometimes we both have to be reminded by each other when we feel as though needs are not being met. {And then we have to listen to those needs and not just forge ahead in getting our own way!}

2) Teach our kids to be quiet and wait when mom and dad are speaking to each other.

Do you find that you don’t have long periods of time to talk after the kids are in bed? Although not everything should be discussed in front of our little ones, we are training them not to interrupt and to be quiet when mom and dad are having a conversation {major work in progress, in case you think I’m perfect about this!}. When we allow our kids to constantly have all the attention focused on them we aren’t showing them the importance of the marriage relationship coming first.

3) Date when you have the chance and do what WORKS, not what other people say you should do.

Scheduled date nights just don’t work for us right now. In fact, trying to make this happened failed miserably and just left me frustrated, because something would always come up at my husband’s work or with the kids. If they work for you, then by all means, do so! But our lives are such that many things need to be planned spur of the moment.

We have the availability of a couple of family friends and family who can watch the kids just about any time for free. We don’t ask often, as we don’t want to take advantage of them.

Dating doesn’t have to cost money though! Remember when you just loved being together with your spouse, no matter what you were doing? If it doesn’t work out to go out or is out of our budget, we will get a movie or play a game or do a project together when the kids are in bed. Which reminds me…

4) Don’t make “after hours” time all business and no fun.

This was a rut we got into for a very long time: using the time when the kids were in bed to clean the house or work on our financial spreadsheet for the month. Then we’d look at the clock and realize how late it was and then just want to go to bed. We have to be incredibly intentional about how we spend our time after the kids go to sleep.

I’ve been praying lately that I’ll be aware of when my attentions are directed elsewhere so that I can bring my focus back and see connecting with my husband as my greatest priority.

I literally have to say to myself, “At 9 pm, I will stop what I’m doing and see what my husband wants to do.” :) Sometimes this alone time has to happen in the middle of the afternoon during nap/quiet time–it’s okay to be spontaneous too! As a couple we have noticed that the more alone {intimate} time we spend together, the more happy we are with each other on a day to day basis!

5) Pray and read the Word together.

This really should have gone first in the list because the spiritual health of our marriage is SO important! Doing devotions with our kids or the family as a whole is essential as well but my husband and I also like to end our night with a short devotional or Scripture passage. If your husband doesn’t like to study the Word with you, don’t push it on him or hold your own “great devotional life” over his head. Just pray for him and encourage him in other ways.

6) Kiss like you mean it!

When you don’t have time for other things, kiss your husband for real! Just do it, even if it seems silly or embarrassing, just because it’s fun. It makes me remember back to those times when we were “young and in love” and reminds me that we can still be that way! A good kiss relieves a lot of stress and breaks the ice if you’re both grumpy after a long day {or know you’re going to be having a long day}.

7) Learn your spouse’s love language! 

Since Kirk and I learned ours, it has helped us improve our previous Tower of Babel-like methods, where we couldn’t understand what “language” the other was speaking!

14 More Ideas for Rekindling the Romance in Your Marriage after Baby

• Get up with your husband and chat with him in the morning before he leaves for work (if he’s normally up before you and you like to sleep in like me, this will be a good challenge!).
• Pack a lunch you know he likes and tuck a love note in his lunch container.
• Call him at work at an unexpected time and giggle as you sweet-talk him. Or text him something romantic!
• Buy him his favorite candy bar (you know, the one you don’t want him to eat because it’s unhealthy).
• Praise your husband, both privately and publically. This is one thing that has such a huge impact both on our marriage and on my husband’s reputation with others.
• Sit by him on the couch at the end of the day with no computer in your lap and just be there for him (ahem, note to self!).
• Build up his confidence throughout the day by telling him things you love about him.
• Praise your husband in front of your children! Tell your kids something that is really special about their dad and how much you appreciate all he does for the family.
• Write him a love letter.
• Resist the urge to correct him when he’s with the kids and just let him be the fun dad!
• Flirt with him!
• Grab his hand when you’re out in public or just passing by him at home.
• Find the most romantic Valentine’s card you can (that suits you and your husband’s style) and give it to him on Valentine’s Day before a candlelight dinner (or dinner out if you can manage it). Write something intimate inside and enjoy his response to your flattery ;) )
• Make a Valentine’s “Love Bucket” for him! Check out this cool gift idea at Hoosier Homemade–what an excellent choice for any husband and you can make it to suit his interests.
  
• Pray for him! In the graphic below, there are 7 Scriptures you can pray for your husband–so powerful!

I hope these thoughts have been an encouragement to you. We really can have the best Valentine’s Day (and every day) possible by just a change in our thinking and a little extra effort. And we just might find that our own hopes and expectations for romance are met in the process!

How do you show your husband that you love him?